Did you know there's an entire book written about me? it's titled Art and Fear - and it must be about me because that's how I feel during times of change and development, even if I dont know it at the time!
In the video below - I mention that it's week 2 as I filmed it to be part of dealing with SOS and FOMO but it seems to fit better for some of our conversations now - so just ignore the wrong dating!
Last week we discussed distraction and interruption that keeps leading us in unwanted directions. This week, lets look at fear...which can immobilize, wreck and shatter our focus, our confidence and can totally derail our work - so much more destructive!
Fear hits me when I lose my self-confidence and feel a failure - I'm not making anything good and it's easiest to play it safe - don't make anything edgy or controversial, don't rock the boat and just go back to the easy stuff. What can I do? I can accept that failure is part of growth and when I try new ideas, I can expect some will fail - that's part of learning. Other fears might be fearing hard work - art is physical and can be hard on the body (remember we discussed self care?) Art takes time - we have to put in the hours...and hours. We fear judgement - when we make art that comes from our heart - we open up those intimate parts of ourselves to others who might ridicule, humiliate or shame us. What we get out of making art is personal. And we shouldn’t be afraid to learn more about ourselves and the world, about how to live an engaged and authentic life. Everyone fears something, but creative fear typically relates to self-confidence.
I appreciate a quote from Rick Rubin in The Creative Act - It's worth noting the distiction between doubting the work and doubting yourself. An example of doubting (fear) the work would be, "I don't know if my song is as good as it can be." Doubting (fear) yourself might sound like, " I can't write a good song."
And how can we become more self-confident? Through continued practise, moving forward, analysis and experience - all part of your Deep Dive. Last year I started a life drawing class, no instructor, just a group with a model. The image on the left was the first drawing - really embarassing! What I learned by the end of the class and the drawing on the right, was that I could ignore the face and hands and focus on other body parts. I looked at shading and scale, even though the body is out of proportion, I felt that it was a decent drawing. From this, I learned that practise and experience will give me the self confidence and each week I expect that that there will be small, incremental improvements as I release the fear.
My husband like to cook, but he needs a recipe - he can't see how to substitute or improvise. But I have the years of experience to know that generally a recipe, a knitting pattern, or instructions for a project are all just jumping off points. The experience that we have built upon lets us know when it's time to leave the nest and take flight.
In my past I was a quilt pattern/book designer, I think the appeal of those patterns and instructions is the buyer can be assured that if they follow all the instructions they will get a finished product that looks just like the photo - we like to know the end result before we start. The more we experience, the more we know that we can move beyond the photos and make the art that resonates deeply within ourselves.
In addition, we can begin with more confidence based on previous trials and errors - each supports and builds the other.
More Confidence = more experience and more experience = more confidence
“Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.” – Vincent Van Gogh
Related to the sentences above and discussion about not finishing work, putting it to one side and beginning something else, is to consider that each work is a stepping stone to the following work - work that is unseen (put aside) is not wasted - you have mastered the skill, understand the process and are ready to begin again. All art is a work in progress and its helpful to see the piece as the experiment that will benefit the next experiment.
The challenge is to understand if we are putting it aside because we are stuck in that messy middle and moving forward leads to greater discovery - working past the fear into truly exciting work or because it has served its purpose. There's not an easy answer to that - and I believe each piece could have a different answer - sometimes one, sometimes the other. I think knowing the answer comes with both analysis and experience, asking ourselves a few questions before it gets tossed in the corner:
- am I afraid of moving forward with this, is it presenting a technical challenge that I need to master?
- could it be related to feelings that I'm not ready or able to deal with?
- is there a weakness in the colour or design?
We don't need to ask these of every piece but when we feel uncertain or uncomfortable, it might be worthwhile...and here we get back to writing and journaling!
Do you remember "The Doors", an American rock band from the '60s and early '70s? One of their hits was Break on Through (To the Other Side), inspired by a quote from English poet William Blake. One part of the lyrics goes like this:
Made the scene
Week to week
Day to day
Hour to hour
The gate is straight
Deep and wide
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side
If you want to relive those days, here's a link to the YouTube video: https://youtu.be/YCohm_CilUY
For me, this is a reference to getting through that middle part of the work to the finish. The thing is, there is almost always a messy middle and that’s where you need to dig down deep and call on your fearless confidence and keep forging ahead. This messy middle may be the middle of a work, or even several works in a row that are not what you had envisioned. And that’s where the growth happens.
Embrace the messy middle, because that’s all it is—a middle, a place to learn, and grow and feel uncomfortable. If it's too easy then you are not creating your best work.
Here is a great podcast that I enjoyed and found it really hit the mark when I am in my "messy middle".
https://savvypainter.com/the-messy-middle-is-an-essential-part-of-the-art-journey-ep-271/
I like the idea that we are all in the messy middle, not just in our art but in just about every aspect of our lives. We are always a work in progress, being formed by our surroundings, our relationships, our beliefs and our environment. How messy that middle is can sometimes be under our control and other times we must break on through to the other side.
In the last session of Artists Deep Dive I was journaling more than making art and I wrote: My focus of Vessels - Art of the
Feminine has grown into the idea of an installation - graduated sizes of vessels representing the female from birth to death. The interior of the vessels would have words and images printed or stitched that describe that particular age of the woman, societal views and treatment of that time. Some of the words and imagery are going to be harsh and cruel because that is often our experience. I'm scared, but I can't - not make this art. It is screaming in my ear and through my brain, it has to happen. The fear is there - I accept it and keep on going.
Last year I was working on my Casco Vello series - I know the techniques, I'm familiar with them and fairly adept but I've had a few failures in the past week. Once I wrote about them I realized that I was taking an easy way - rather formulaic - and that lack of excitment showed. I have also realized that the ones that I struggled with, trying several approaches and designs were exciting, vibrant and felt really "good".
Can I repeat that with each one? Maybe not, but each one that is "good" will lead me to more "good" works...
PS....I have used my colour wheel more in the past couple of months than in the past few years!
And here is a bit more to wrap this up: we can celebrate: the willingness to embrace uncertainty, live with mystery, and make peace with ambiguity. Read more here: https://www.themarginalian.org/2012/11/01/john-keats-on-negative-capability/
A physical residency, where you travel to a place, is time limited - you go and then you leave. But our Artists Deep Dive is a bit different, I hope it has been responsive to your needs and thoughts of what might happen. As a residency is usually self directed, I see myself as more of a facilitator or mentor and also your cheering section!
Perhaps it's time for some reflection - here are some prompts you might think about:
How am I feeling about my work so far?
- what shows through
- what am I excited about
- is it evolving as I had planned
- I want my voice to say
- If I had all the time to create, I would
These questions might also lead/help with your eventual artists statement
“Inspiration does exist, but it must find you working.” – Pablo Picasso
The video below is a bit outdated as the gallery has closed down 🙁 but I thought it was still relevant. In looking through the video I remember that it is a retrospective of one womans art (along with some friends work) and I wonder how a retrospective of your work might look?
I've been trying to get rid of some older work, giving it away to family sending it off for relief work, and actually throwing some in the garbage ... yes, really! My husband thought that was terrible, that I should be saving everything .... nope!
While thinking about my life making art, I listened to a Messy Studio podcast with Rebecca Crowell and she asks:
Where did the "art urge" originate for you?
Who were your mentors? Did you search for them deliberately or did that relationship evolve?
At what point did you start to call yourself an artist?
Looking back were there breakthrough paintings or insights that pointed the way?
What have been the hardest times to keep going and how did you push through? (there's that song again...)
In writing down my answers, I realized that the evolution is never, ever a straight line - always a bit of a mind map with branches shooting off in different directions, but I'll share a couple of key points...
- In Grade 9, my art teacher held up my still life oil painting (I remember a bit of red in it) and told the class it was a good composition. I remember enjoying sewing and embroidery and sttiching into my jeans, it was the 1960's after all! But I never thought it could possibly be a career - I so wish now that I knew it was possible. I also remember seeing an embroidery exhibit and realizing that it was possible to create without a pattern.
- I usually sought my mentors out based on their skills that I hoped to master. Nancy Crow - abstraction, Elin Noble - dyeing, Ruth Issett - surface design etc.
- I began to call myself an artist when I moved away from traditional quilting and began experimenting and designing contemporary work.
- Breakthroughs: I also remember seeing an embroidery exhibit and realizing that it was possible to create without a pattern. Much of my early explorations in textiles also involved foundations in design - absolutely essential!
- I struggled when I couldn't develop my thoughts into my work - what was amazing in my head looked awful in reality. I overcame that by analyzing the failures and figuring out why it wasnt working or - more importatnly - asking a mentor or trusted colleague for thier input.
I'd like you to journal some of your ideas and we'll share about them...particularly: At what point did you start to call yourself an artist?
Have a listen here: https://messystudio.fireside.fm/83
Lest we dwell too long in fear and failure and downright 'blah' about ourselves and our art, I have found some resources that speak to us about celebrating ourselves and our art - now that I am brave enough to call myself an ARTIST (BOLD and in CAPs)- hurrah!
I love this quote:
The danger of not taking time to celebrate - to mark clearly and significantly a goal you have met, a new chapter or even spectacular failure - is that when we do not pause and acknowledge it, we risk running right onto the next goal, feeding the incessant hamster wheel of achievement and leading directly towards burnout.
Read more here: https://www.giastorms.com/single-post/2019/04/22/the-art-of-self-celebration
In addition, we might take time to acknowledge that the work is finished and complete, you have said what you wished to say and you are ready to explore and begin again. How do you bring it to completion. For some it might be gifting it to another, or it might be photographing it and submitting it to an exhibition or putting it on your website, or perhaps signing the back or writing the artist statment. For each of us, the final act can be different. How would you say your work is complete?
Here is the Recording from our Zoom Meeting - January 21st, 2025
